A Brilliant man and the best friends a guy could ever have

I know I waffle on about "Its good to talk", but sometimes it good to cry. Its a vent that, like talking, needs to be released every now and then

Its something that I learned when I was struggling mentally 2018-2020. It was triggered by a number of things

Struggling to get consistent work. This had a domino effect as because I was not paying my way into our house

My Wife, who is my rock and soulmate, says now that if I had just told her we could of sorted it. Sadly it wasn't as easy as that. I felt like I wasn't providing for my partner.

My Wife who was, and still is, struggling with her own health and trying to keep us afloat with one wage coming into the house. I felt like I was letting her down. My solution? Not to talk to her

I had good, nay, best friends trying to talk to me. They knew something wasn't right. I have spoke to them since then, and they has admitted that. But me? I just smiled and said everything was ok. It wasn't

It makes it sound like I am a selfish prick. I probably was. Actually, I was. But I honestly didn't know what I was doing. My head was all over the place

I asked her to marry me in front of her family and friends. On her 30th Birthday Party. Would of been awkward if she had said no

Looking back on that period now, a lot of it is a blur which tells you everything about where my brain was at. Its like trying to remember a night out after a heavy drinking session, but instead of remembering the funny stuff, you remember all the horrible things you did

One thing I do remember fully, was our wedding day in May 2019. It was a beautiful, and blissful day. A day where it felt like the stress of the world was off my shoulders. It was the best day of my life. I got to marry my soulmate

I was surrounded by family and good friends. Family and friends who would do anything for me. I was so happy

If I am being honest, my depression was still a guest at our wedding, but the happy side of my brain managed to keep it hogg tied and quiet for that wonderful day and night

• I will never be happier than I was that day

The Heswall crew. They all got me to that point

But as the weeks went on, that bastard of a thing started burying its way back into my head. I started making little lies. Little lies that needed other little lies to cover them. This then spread to the point that my head, that was already full of worry about money, was now sharing space with these lies

I am not proud of anything I did, or the way I treated people by shutting them out. I am so lucky that I have my Wife who has stood by me through this horrible time. A time where we literally had to go to the shop with £5.00 and try to get 7 tea meals out of it

This must of been horrible for her. A woman who loves me. We are living on pennies, and I am just smiling as if everything is ok

Sadly, this leads you to a dark place. A place where eventually everything in your head just plays over and over until you can't think of any logical solution

My rock. My everything.... and the fella she took off the shelf

This is exactly what happened. I started to think, "Would her/their life be better without me?"

I am not going to go into details of what actually happened, but I crashed. My body. My brain. My will to live

Luckily, people found me on that cold night as I was sitting in my wife's car thinking if a bridge or train tracks would be the best way to go

The people that found me? My father and mother in law. They were coming back from Liverpool having a meal and ran off the bus to come to me

I got took to hospital where I was calmed down a bit, and my Wife held my hand so tight that I knew there and then, I couldn't leave her that way.

It was the kick up the arse and pat on the back I needed all in one action

The next day, I was talking to my Father In Law, who gave me a hug and said the words, "We are always here for you son if you ever want to talk"

That hit me hard

The people who gave my the greatest gift of all: Permission to marry their daughter

COVID followed soon after that. A very strange and worrying time for everyone. I was just finishing a contract at Parcel Force as a Delivery Driver. A job I really enjoyed. But it was in Huyton and I didn't have a car. It was very long day's commuting there at 7am, and then not getting home until gone 9pm

I had to make a decision and didn't want to burn myself out. I didn't accept their offer of an extension

Instead, I took a temporary job in Moreton at Iceland Food Stores. It was just up the road from our home. It was perfect. The need for food deliveries was sky high. Nobody was allowed to go into the supermarkets at that time. Even if it was only temporary, it got me back on my feet

Near the end of that contract (around June 2020) I got approached by a company who where starting up at the new Amazon depot in Sealand

Now I had been with Amazon before (2018-2019) with another company. I got my fingers burned badly with that company with shifts and not paying me properly

This was different. I don't know why, it just felt different. It had a family feel to the company. I just knew from the off it felt right. He knew, that I knew, the set up of Amazon and he needed me to help ease in the new drivers who didn't know the job

This was the best job I ever took. Yes the pay wasn't great for what you did, and during busy periods, it was long hours, but it was constant work. I really enjoyed it

Typical Welsh weather while on a route with Amazon