Published at 19:30 on 12th August 2024

So it's a lovely Sunday afternoon on Gods Peninsula. The Wife is sunbathing outside, the cat (Eddie) is chilling in his bush den at the back of the garden

Everything is wonderful, right?

Its a big friggin no for me. Touchy subject, but I hate the summer. Everything is twice as hard as it should be due to the heat, I have to wear shorts and it's light 16hrs of the day. Granted, me struggling in the heat isn't helped by me still carrying a little Christmas weight... from 2019

Too much meat and not enough exercise makes Graham look like Homer Simpson

But we, as British people, are not built to withstand 28C

14C and overcast. Thats our wheelhouse.  I can wear jeans and comfy hoodie. I can eat nice things like Porridge, Soup and Scouse. Not have to wear t-shirts and shorts showing off my extremely skinny and pasty limbs

Ok, when I was in Cyprus two months ago it was 35C and 90% humidity. But thats different. I am not working. I am not having to do grown up bollocks

Instead I was sat in a pool or lying on a sunbed drinking cocktails, reading a good book and people watching (*)

* He wasn't "people watching", he was perving. He thought wearing mirrored sunglasses and reading a book would hide it. Firstly he took a week to read two chapters of a book, and secondly, he isn't exactly discreet with the "people watching" - The Wife

I need a new plan for next summers holiday

I think she might be onto me. But my observation skills aside, Summer does have the odd good point

For example, I work for a National based Health Service, lets called it the NHS, collecting and delivering samples. Nothing exciting. Just blood, turds and piss. With the odd bit of cervical goo thrown in

I start at 7.30am every day, and i finish at 4pm. Sadly that crosses with two school runs. But in the summer? No school runs. No road closures. No parent drivers taking 5mins to park a fuck off sized SUV into a tiny space because their little cherub(s) can't walk further than 100yrds

Its glorious. I am a happy man (well happier than normal) for 6 weeks. That can go in the pro column. Thats pretty much it though

I burn like Anakin Skywalker as soon as I step into the sun as I have sadly inherited a lovely thing from the Ol Boy (my Dad); Baldness. Only burn on the top of my head though. Like that first sausage cooked on a summer BBQ which is burned to a crisp on one side, but still oinking on the other

Ok BBQ's are amazing. I like a lot of food, and I like meat. However, because our summers are so crap, we only get chance to have one or two at most. So for that reason they are useless

Anakin is clearly not happy with Obi Wan who asked him to go easy on him. He was clearly well done

Another thing to go on the summer shit list are Wasps. I love Bee's and other summery insects/bugs. They are beautiful to look at. Bee's, butterfly's, caterpillars, ladybugs. All colourful. Majestic. Stunning

Wasps are just a twat fuck of an insect trying to pretend to be a Bee. They are angry. They work in teams. They sting for fun

I know they pollinate etc, but no where near the levels of their happy fat cousins, the Bee's. You may think I am scared of wasps. You couldn't be further from the truth. I am petrified of them

Why can't they just climb into the empty beer bottle and just do your thing without having to fly into me head first making me jump out of my seat sceaming like a little girl

I love that first cool Autumn morning when they are all confused rolling around on the floor wondering where all the warm weather has gone

I could stand on them and put them out of the misery. But I would much rather watch nature take its course

I have a wooly hat and a coat you buzzy bastard! 🖕

Anyway, enough about the black and yellow minions of satan

First game of the season at Tranmere Rovers was yesterday. Always a happy time being a football fan. Get to say hello to your fellow fan who you haven't seen since May. Chat football. Shout at referees. Swear in front of my 13yr old Niece (who now knows the C word)

It also means that every other Saturday, I won't get talked into doing house work, which I don't want to do because I have the mentality of an 8yr old

The Wife said that if I didnt have my head full of usless football information, film knowledge and Marvel facts, my brain would literally be a wotsit bouncing around in there

Luckily I am the alpha male of the house and I do things when I want to do them *

* He is very brave when on the internet - The Wife

Me when I forget to put the bins out even though I moaned the previous evening about not needing to be reminded to do it